before bed

There is a bee trapped in the living room. It is inside of a beautiful honey-comb colored lamp made of mother of pearl and it sounds like a motor or an approaching storm. The lamp shade magnifies the sound like a cave or a seashell.

I wonder if this is a reference to my first days at the center when I said I would swarm low like a drunk bee and collapse on the floor and sleep for an hour or two. I am tired today like I was then. Tired and hot with sun on my face and my shoulders. I have to clean the kitchen floor before I go to bed. That, and finish sorting through the footage for Kevin and call my darling mother. Tonight I am in my home and my eyes feel dry and red and my even my tongue feels raw. But I am home and all is well.

Sometimes I pretend to be just a girl. With just a smile and just a face and a mouth that opens wide and beckons with white teeth and curling lips. But it does no good. Everyone knows. Everyone knows I have a basket of dreams and thoughts that do not belong to this world.

or do they?

Rose and Gold Ojai, CA 4/10 Lucy Madeline

The camera on my iPhone has broken. The shutter won't open. It just sits there and stares at me like a closed eye or a silent mouth and it will not budge, despite my prayers and petitions. So many things in life are like that. So many things.